If I were to open this blog up talking about people who are “Golfers Widows” the chances are you would know that this is someone whose husband spends too much time on the golf course. They are absent from your life, and the house, due to their desire to put Golf first. Put the words Golf Widow into any search engine and it will find about 615,000 results in about 0.23 of a second. So what?

While talking to a coaching group I am in, a similar identity came up for people living with a partner who is stressed out: Stress Widow. No one had heard the term before and unsurprisingly it’s not something the search engine recognises. Search for “Stress Widow” and you’ll find answers  about the stress a wife may experience in the event of becoming a widow. My contention though is that people who live with a partner who is stressed out often find a distance coming between them, and while I am sure there are Stress Widowers out there, women tend to talk to me more openly about their partners and how stressed they are, than the men do about theirs. 

The notion of a “Stress Widow” came to me a little while ago as I manned our stand at an exhibition, promoting our company Inspire Coaching GmbH, and the work we do in helping people identify and manage their stress while building their resilience, so that they can be at their very best, every day, without burning out. The stand was a rather nice triptych, which showed a stress free zone of a beautiful island setting with blue skies and soft blue waters. A sign, in drift wood, hangs in the central panel stating that you are now entering a stress free zone. Underneath is a list of topics to talk to me about. 

Over the course of the day some men and a lot of women stopped by for a chat. The men didn’t hang around long as they didn’t really want open up. The experience was different when the women stopped. They stood quietly for a moment and would look at the list of topics on offer. After a short while I’d ask: “Which area are you uninterested in?”. 

They would all say, almost without exception “Oh, … It’s not for me, it’s for my husband.”

“OK, interesting, so where is the husband? Can I have a chat?”  

Again, without exception… “Oh, no … he’s at home. He has so much to do and is stressed out about it.”

The conversations that followed tended to go into how busy he is, how much time he needs, and so on, ending up with “He really is stressed, but does’t see it”. 

It won’t surprise you to hear me say…I am not surprised. I was once that husband. I was so busy at work, so consumed by the deadlines (all artificial), the delivery, the perfectionism, that my sleep suffered, my diet suffered, my health suffered and, as a consequence, my work suffered. The very thing I was trying so hard to do well.

Of course I was stressed out! And of course I didn’t know it! My wife knew it, but I wouldn’t listen and momentarily she became a “Stress Widow”. Fortunately for me she wasn’t happy in that place and helped me through those horrendous times so that we can both confidently say they are very much behind us.

How about you though? Are you a “Stress Widow”? 

Does your husband or partner show the signs of stress that range from irritability, poor sleep quality, poor diet and too much snacking or maybe the “need” for a drink every evening? If it’s a yes to any of that, please do get in touch. 

Help is here and the road to recovery is actually rather pleasant. I know because I did it